I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You left your phone here
Wait...
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
