Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Randomize
