you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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