it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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