Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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