I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
