you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
