it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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