He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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