Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
