we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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