Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
