I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
