I want to make a zoo with you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize