Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
