seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
