Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
