Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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