I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
