we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
