I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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