Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
