I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
