I look better un-naked...
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
