Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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