I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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