I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
