I need help removing her.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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