Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
