If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
