I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
