My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
