he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
