I want you more than these girls want KFC
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
