Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Congratulations! We have a period
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