Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
