I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
