I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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