He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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