Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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