I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
