Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I am naked and annoyed.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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