Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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