I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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