Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
