i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
