Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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