Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
