hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
