Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
