i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
