I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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