he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
