I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
